When you should probably walk away...

So I've been done with the Froster promotions job for about a week or so now, and I'm already ready to jump from a skyscraper out of boredom.

It's one thing to talk about having patience when you're ready to get your life started and join the real world, but it's another to actually have said patience when you're ready to get your life started and join the real world.

This far in the game, I have had a couple really solid interviews, and great opportunities have come my way. I've been landing second interviews, which I guess is a pretty good sign that I'm doing something right. I'm trying not to beat myself up when things don't go my way - but it's really really hard not to.

I'm ready to be a grown up now! Where are you, big-girl-job?!

While I'm obviously playing the role of the desperate college grad seeking a chance, a shot, a stroke of good luck, ANYTHING - I WILL TAKE IT - I think it's important to remind myself, fellow graduates, and future grads, that even we, the desperate - should have standards.

A short while ago, I had an interview where my gut instinct told me to walk about two-thirds of the way through it - but unfortunately (and maybe fortunately?) I'm too polite of an individual (and maybe even a little chicken) to actually get up and walk away.

What happened was - I'm back at the office for Interview #2 with two individuals, my potential future boss, and the employee I would be replacing- and while I'd midway through speaking and answering questions - my potential future boss is looking down and texting on his Blackberry.

Kind of made me feel like whatever I was talking about had 0 value, I'm not interesting enough to pay attention to, and I'm obviously wasting my time here. I mean, if that's any indication I'm probably not going to get the job, I don't know what is.

It's also really awkward trying to make eye contact with someone BBM-ing while in an interview. I mean, if I whipped out my cell phone in the middle of an interview, said "Sorry, just gotta make a quick text", I can't see that going over well.

Normally, I would have just let something like this slide without a blogpost to vent. But what really bothered me is how this organization informed me that they decided to go with someone else.

They called my home and told my sister to tell me.

Is that normal? That doesn't usually happen to me. I mean, an e-mail or speaking to me directly seems like the professional route to go rather than putting it all on my family member to break the bad news.

So kids, I guess from this we can say that I may have a slight bit more professionalism that the organization I was applying to (which is ODD and RARE as anyone can attest to the fact that I'm a bit of a goofball) - and perhaps I am better off in the job pool, swimmin around, and looking for something else to bite into.

I always tell others that things work themselves out eventually - somehow, so it's gotta be the same for me, right?

“Somehow I can't believe that there are any heights that can't be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four Cs. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy, and the greatest of all is confidence. When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable.”

- Walt Disney

My "Damon"

Last year in Creative Writing, our instructor Sally Ito showed us this clip of Elizabeth Gilbert giving a talk about the concept of creativity. For some reason, Gilbert's talk really stuck with me throughout my time in the Creative Communications program, and after the completion of my IPP, I related to it even more.

About 6 minutes in, Gilbert talks about the belief that in some ancient cultures, creativity comes from a creative spirit (a "damon"in Ancient Greece, and a "genius" in Ancient Rome) as a way to separate the creator from the creation.

My creative process isn't one that fits in with the Creative Communications program. I hate being given deadlines. I hate being told when I have to be creative. Sure, I get my work done, but there have been many assignments I handed in with a heavy heart, knowing that I could have done better if it had more of my attention. My "genius" takes some coaxing (although sometimes, it has magically appeared).

My IPP began as a slow death (I know this sounds morbid, but stay with me). For the majority of summer, and then from September to December, I was slaving away typing viciously at a script I hated. The storyline had turned to crap, my dialogue was too heavy with very little action, my characters were getting flatter, and I had no idea how to end the damn thing. 40 pages is two hours of stage time. I was well over 40, and was still no where close to finishing. Instead, I was close to crying and considering the possibility that maybe I would be pitching another IPP for next year.

I want my IPP to be something I'm proud of. I want to be able to re-read it, and think, YES! THIS IS AWESOME! not WOW, THIS IS SH*T.

I loved my IPP idea. I knew I always wanted to do something tied into vampire fiction,and I've also always wanted to write a stage play. I used to start writing stage plays, but I'd never finish anything. Having a script as an IPP was finally a way for me to commit to finishing something, but as the months passed, I really started developing a resentment for Slaying Edmund.

Then, one night, it happened.

After a long day at my work placement, I was crawling into bed when my damon FINALLY tapped me on the shoulder.

"Where have you been?", I said.

"That's not important," he said.

"Well yah, it kind of is," I said, "Slaying Edmund is due in like a month and a half and my script is complete crap!"

"Don't worry about it," he said, "I have the whole thing worked out. The bad news is that you're pretty much going to have to start the whole thing over."

"Are you freaking kidding me?"

"I'm sorry."

"Can this wait until tomorrow? I'm tired."

"No, you're going to do it now."

And so, my damon dragged me out of bed and kept me up until 2am as I ferociously scribbled a rough bare-bone structure of "Slaying Edmund 2", which took me three weeks to pound out. And I love it.

So far, in my Creative Writing class this year, I have been getting a good response from my CreComm friends about "Slaying Edmund 2". I'm hoping to have the same support from my IPP adviser as well as the grade 9 drama students who helped me workshop Slaying Edmund 1.

And thank goodness I did the work-shopping at the high school, because those kids gave me a lot of ideas. Somehow, my damon managed to fit almost all of them into a single stage play.

Edmund Slain.

The Spark

The other day I had an interesting conversation with a couple of my co-workers. So interesting, in fact, that I ended up staying an extra hour at work just to finish the conversation.

We were debating the existence of "the spark". Myself and Catherine feel that it is something that does exist, and is there right at the very moment you meet someone, where Michelle felt that "the spark" is something that a couple has to work for.

In case I've lost you, "the spark" is that feeling of complete chemistry with another person, where you can see yourself being able to function as a couple, fall in love, and yadda yadda. It's a state of adoration, I think, where you are able to see someone for their best qualities and really feel that they are "right" for you.

I re-watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" a couple nights ago, and Justin Long's character makes the comment that "The spark doesn't exist, it's just an excuse for a guy to not get involved in a relationship."

I don't think that's true. Guys have many reasons that they don't want to be in a relationship, and so do girls. Girls have also pulled out the "it just wasn't there for me" REASON (not excuse) to not go out on that first or second date.

I mean, if the excitement isn't there for you, is it really worth pursuing?

I myself have not called or responded to second dates because I did not feel the "spark" of the first date. I have a simple rule: If I am not excited to go see someone (or if I catch myself thinking I'd rather be at home doing homework), that right there is a pretty clear indicator that I probably should not be going on this date.

Going really far back, I can tell you that I haven't felt a serious "spark" that went on to catch fire since my last serious relationship, which ended like two years ago (SAD).

In the time that I've spent being a single mess (for over a year and a half and before I found Buddha, which will make for a different blog post), I've dated casually and forced myself into relationships that did not have this "spark". I wanted to move on SO BADLY, and I thought the way to do that was by jumping ship into another relationship.

Yah. Take it from someone who learned the hard way: do not do that.

The idea that the spark can be "worked at" just doesn't seem true for me. It has to be there at the very beginning. It's like that saying, "you know when you know".

It's either there or it isn't. After many trials and errors in my singlehood, along with many mistakes and heartache (both felt and caused by me), I've learned that waiting for "the spark" is totally worth it, because that is what sets alight a long term (happy) relationship

BUT, there are exceptions. Sometimes that darn spark is deceiving.

There was a day back at the end of summer where I went to a social and met a boy who sent my heart to my stomach and tipped my world over.

This spark, however, was like watching the fireworks on Canada Day at the Forks. Really pretty while their happening, but then when they suddenly end too soon, you leave feeling ripped off and disappointed and full of mosquito bites.

But then you go back the next year, hoping for better, long-lasting fireworks, and then they end the exact same as last time, so once again feel ripped off and like you wasted your time.

I like this metaphor.

Anyway, because the spark was there at the beginning, every time he comes around there's always that feeling that maybe possibly SOMETHING could catch light again, but you know, after twice of the same show I've started carrying around a bucket of ice water with me. I can appreciate the spark, and accept that I'm going to always have a sweet spot for this guy, but I'm not an idiot.

I asked my sister if she and her 5-year boyfriend had "the spark" when they first met. She is a happy medium of "it was there" and "it took a couple dates". Coincidentally, she said the moment she knew she really liked him was when he held her hand while watching fireworks at the Forks on Canada Day.

One thing I will say about the spark, is that you have to BE SURE IT'S THERE FOR BOTH OF YOU - and it's not just one sided. This happens a lot, and has happened to myself and all of my girlfriends, and I'm pretty sure it could apply to guys too.

That's why you go on multiple dates to check and make sure that the spark is still there and isn't just a figment of your imagination.

Beware of forcing the spark, because when a spark is forced, it can turn into an uncontrolled forest fire, and as my co-worker Michelle said, it becomes a "destroy-eachothers-soul-athon".

Anywho.

This is my take on "the spark". At the end of the conversation all three of us agreed that relationships are complicated, stupid, and really, really hard.

But "the spark" is worth waiting for :) , and if anyone reading this is recently single, stay that way for awhile, take time for yourself, re-invent and re-discover who you are as an individual, and when your ready, you'll find someone.

So never settle, my friends.

L