The other day I had an interesting conversation with a couple of my co-workers. So interesting, in fact, that I ended up staying an extra hour at work just to finish the conversation.
We were debating the existence of "the spark". Myself and Catherine feel that it is something that does exist, and is there right at the very moment you meet someone, where Michelle felt that "the spark" is something that a couple has to work for.
In case I've lost you, "the spark" is that feeling of complete chemistry with another person, where you can see yourself being able to function as a couple, fall in love, and yadda yadda. It's a state of adoration, I think, where you are able to see someone for their best qualities and really feel that they are "right" for you.
I re-watched the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" a couple nights ago, and Justin Long's character makes the comment that "The spark doesn't exist, it's just an excuse for a guy to not get involved in a relationship."
I don't think that's true. Guys have many reasons that they don't want to be in a relationship, and so do girls. Girls have also pulled out the "it just wasn't there for me" REASON (not excuse) to not go out on that first or second date.
I mean, if the excitement isn't there for you, is it really worth pursuing?
I myself have not called or responded to second dates because I did not feel the "spark" of the first date. I have a simple rule: If I am not excited to go see someone (or if I catch myself thinking I'd rather be at home doing homework), that right there is a pretty clear indicator that I probably should not be going on this date.
Going really far back, I can tell you that I haven't felt a serious "spark" that went on to catch fire since my last serious relationship, which ended like two years ago (SAD).
In the time that I've spent being a single mess (for over a year and a half and before I found Buddha, which will make for a different blog post), I've dated casually and forced myself into relationships that did not have this "spark". I wanted to move on SO BADLY, and I thought the way to do that was by jumping ship into another relationship.
Yah. Take it from someone who learned the hard way: do not do that.
The idea that the spark can be "worked at" just doesn't seem true for me. It has to be there at the very beginning. It's like that saying, "you know when you know".
It's either there or it isn't. After many trials and errors in my singlehood, along with many mistakes and heartache (both felt and caused by me), I've learned that waiting for "the spark" is totally worth it, because that is what sets alight a long term (happy) relationship
BUT, there are exceptions. Sometimes that darn spark is deceiving.
There was a day back at the end of summer where I went to a social and met a boy who sent my heart to my stomach and tipped my world over.
This spark, however, was like watching the fireworks on Canada Day at the Forks. Really pretty while their happening, but then when they suddenly end too soon, you leave feeling ripped off and disappointed and full of mosquito bites.
But then you go back the next year, hoping for better, long-lasting fireworks, and then they end the exact same as last time, so once again feel ripped off and like you wasted your time.
I like this metaphor.
Anyway, because the spark was there at the beginning, every time he comes around there's always that feeling that maybe possibly SOMETHING could catch light again, but you know, after twice of the same show I've started carrying around a bucket of ice water with me. I can appreciate the spark, and accept that I'm going to always have a sweet spot for this guy, but I'm not an idiot.
I asked my sister if she and her 5-year boyfriend had "the spark" when they first met. She is a happy medium of "it was there" and "it took a couple dates". Coincidentally, she said the moment she knew she really liked him was when he held her hand while watching fireworks at the Forks on Canada Day.
One thing I will say about the spark, is that you have to BE SURE IT'S THERE FOR BOTH OF YOU - and it's not just one sided. This happens a lot, and has happened to myself and all of my girlfriends, and I'm pretty sure it could apply to guys too.
That's why you go on multiple dates to check and make sure that the spark is still there and isn't just a figment of your imagination.
Beware of forcing the spark, because when a spark is forced, it can turn into an uncontrolled forest fire, and as my co-worker Michelle said, it becomes a "destroy-eachothers-soul-athon".
Anywho.
This is my take on "the spark". At the end of the conversation all three of us agreed that relationships are complicated, stupid, and really, really hard.
But "the spark" is worth waiting for :) , and if anyone reading this is recently single, stay that way for awhile, take time for yourself, re-invent and re-discover who you are as an individual, and when your ready, you'll find someone.
So never settle, my friends.
L
